The Dilemma with Always Saying Yes and How to Resolve It

My dilemma with always saying yes and learning how to resolve it began in childhood.

One Sunday my father asked if I felt like going to the store to buy the paper. I asked if one of my brothers could go instead. Suddenly, my 6’4” father leaped from his chair, stormed into the bedroom, and bellowed to my mother, “I asked Denise to go to the store and she said no. What’s wrong with her?”

I don’t recall what happened after my father’s explosion except for me returning home with the Sunday paper. I disturbed the stability of the Johnson family that day because I said no.  And to be honest, I didn\’t say no; I asked if someone else could go. That experience influenced how I responded to requests for years.

What has been your experience? Do you have a dilemma with always saying yes and trying to resolve it? Do you hear the word yes slipping off your lips even though your mind and emotions are screaming no? Why is declining a request a challenge, especially for women?  Because society has deceived us into believing that saying no is inconsiderate and selfish. So, we say yes even when it’s an inconvenience or may cause us harm.

The Dilemma with Always Saying Yes and How to Resolve It Begins with Saying No

Why We Say Yes

Responding in the affirmative when we don’t want to is a common occurrence. There are so many reasons people say yes when they don’t want to. When I didn’t give the answer my father wanted to hear, I upset the entire household and this is what some fear and try to avoid; upsetting others. To prevent from having an experience like mine, they give in. My experience is only one reason so many women say yes when everything within is screaming NO!

Women are caregivers 

Nurturing is second nature for most women. As a result, others assume we should always be on call and willing to meet their needs. When we don’t, they consider us selfish and inconsiderate. No one wants that stigma hanging over their heads.

Even as women we have bought into this misguided thinking and passed it to generations.

Threatened Relationships

When I was young and naïve, a boyfriend asked me to attend a party with him. I didn’t feel like partying that day and declined. He responded by saying, “If you won’t go with me, I will find another woman who will.” Afraid he may have carried through with his threat, I gave in. I can’t tell you how many times I have kicked myself for giving in to his intimidation.

I wish I could say I was alone in responding the way I did. Unfortunately, submitting because someone has threatened to end a relationship is common. We also fear they will change the dynamics of the relationship by withdrawing emotionally or stop speaking to us. Exploiters will even prevent other loved ones from vising and spending time with us.

Loss of employment or promotions

Employers can use your negative response as a reason to end your job or deny you a promotion. No one wants to be unemployed or miss out on a promotion they have worked years to achieve.

Fear of Disapproval

Some people need approval and acceptance. Having to live with disapproval is unbearable to them. So, they strive to do whatever it takes to remain in the good graces of others.  Which usually means doing anything to keep everyone happy.

Having to deal with any of these reactions can be painful and for many, it is easier to comply than to give an honest reply.

Effects of Always Saying Yes   

• Unhealthy relationships
• Loss of self
• Missing out on happiness and pleasure
• Inability to express oneself
• Suppressed freedom of speech
• Accepting less
• Victimized and manipulated
• Depression, bitterness, or angry

The Dilemma with Always Saying Yes and How to Resolve It

How I Resolved My Dilemma With Saying Yes

One day while reading the parable of the 10 virgins (Matthew 25: 1-13), I gained new insight. This Scripture is about ten virgins preparing to meet Christ.  The wise prepared themselves by not only bringing their lamps but also a supply of oil. The foolish only brought their lamps.

When it became dark the wise virgins were prepared. But the foolish virgins were in a dilemma.  The foolish women tried to resolve their problem by asking the other five to share their oil. The wise ladies responded by saying, “No. We don’t have enough for ourselves and you. You need to get your own.” And as the story goes, Christ came while the five unprepared women were searching for fuel and they missed the opportunity to return with Him.

My new insight was that the wise virgins said NO.  I felt like something jumped off the page and slapped me in the face.  From that moment I realized it is acceptable to decline a request without fearing regret, shame, guilt, or intimidation. I learned to say no can be a wise choice.

Imagine if the five wise virgins would have given in and shared their oil, knowing there wasn’t enough for everyone. They would have also lost out on their blessings. And for what reasons: the fear of rejection, the fear of disapproval, or the fear of lost friendship? Instead, they assessed their situation and made the choice that was best for them. The wise virgins realized they could not accommodate their friends without hurting themselves. And this is what many of us must understand.

I realized to live a balanced life, I must be comfortable with say no, even if it results in a negative reaction.

The Dilemma with Always Saying Yes and How to Resolve It

Overcoming the Problem of Saying Yes

Becoming comfortable saying no is an internal process requiring self-examination and truthfulness. Begin by asking yourself why it’s hard for you to say no. Examine how you felt when you didn’t comply.  Did you feel empowered or crushed? How did the person’s response make you feel? Based on your answers, create a plan which will help you develop the confidence to say no. Then practice it daily.

Next, take baby steps towards application. If your spouse always chooses restaurants you don’t enjoy, next time suggest a place which appeals to you. When asked to babysit for the weekend, say you’re only available on Sunday afternoon. If your boss asks you to stay late again, explain you have a prior appointment today, but you can stay late on Friday.

Be prepared for pushback. People who can’t accept no for an answer are usually controllers and manipulators. They will not accept you standing up for yourself and will try to guilt you into your old ways.

If I didn’t learn to say no, I could have ended up like the foolish virgins and missed out on many blessings. I can\’t speak for you, but I have no intention of losing a blessing because I fear ruffling someone’s feathers.

Do you want to stop saying yes, all the time? Or do you prefer to remain in the condition you are in, even if it means losing out? Healthy relationships allow the freedom to deny requests without backlash.